Confessions

I know that it's wrong, but it feels so right.
I know what I should do which is right, but it feels so wrong.
I hate what I am feeling right now.
I hate how I got myself trapped in a situation that's spinning out of control.
I hate how it seems to be so easy for you, when it's driving me insane.
I'm such an emotional wreck right now and I don't know how to keep it together.

Sorry Not Sorry

It seems that you have a knack at trying to compete with me, even if you don't outright declare that it is a competition. If jealousy/envy is you favorite deadly sin, please be reminded that mine is pride, hence I wouldn't dare lose. In those moments wherein all seems lost for me, I do pull up some tricks from up my sleeve and score big time.


You make everything a competition. But I am so glad that when it felt like I was going to lose last night, I scored big time! #sorrynotsorry

Words Could Make or Break Me

Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up

I had read Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages." Basically, what it's saying is there are five main love languages: Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. People use these "languages" to express their love for other people. People use a particular language more than another. And the thing is, sometimes even if someone loves you, you think he/she doesn't because you don't "speak" the same "language."

I took the test and found that my primary love language is "words of affirmation." That's no surprise. People always say I have a way with words, and yes, words have a way with me. I really don't care much about grand gestures and "display" of feelings for me, but hearing it means so much to me. I'm really sensitive about the things someone says to me. Verbal and written expressions have more bearing to me.

Here's the thing, I have this longing for appreciation, and I guess the reason why I feel unappreciated or underappreciated is because I don't hear the words that I want to hear. I guess I'm not really the reward kind of person, more of the praises one. Although, I still don't know how to take compliments...

Words could make or break me, and right now I'm not hearing enough of what could make me... or at the very least, make me get through whatever this existence is.

Never The One

And just like Caroline Forbes said, "I try so hard, but I'm never the one."

My loneliness is killing me...

Substitute People

From Little Nuances by Lee Warren:
Who hasn’t felt like a substitute person at some point? While being a substitute person does mean that you had to be close enough to the real thing to earn the title of substitute, it also means that you weren’t quite good enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough. And the worst thing about it is—you know it, but since being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, you accept the position.

The Chase

People have a tendency to want something that they cannot have or would have a hard time getting. I guess it’s about the thrill of the chase.

The only reason we still like each other is because we can’t have each other.

Something Different

I wish that for once you’d praise me about the way I look and not because I’m intelligent or I’m good at what I do or I’m nice. I’ve heard praises about my abilities and/or how I treat other people all my life, and sometimes I just want to be told that I’m pretty or I look good. For once, can you tell me something different?

That Nina Song

Do you remember Nina? She's a Filipino singer. She's one of the people who made acoustic music a big thing in the Philippines.

Well, she has this song that keeps on playing on my head whenever I feel that emotion that the song is all about. It's a song about one of the seven deadly sins. That thing it's talking about, it's not my favorite sin, but because of you, lately I've been doing it. 

I don't like that feeling, and I get upset feeling that way. But you know what's more frustrating? Me getting upset and you not doing anything about it. So, I just suck it up and pretend that I don't care.

And the song goes something like this:

Jealous of the one whose arms are around you
If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one who finally found you
Made your sun and your stars collide 

That Nina song... it's called "Jealous."

Snow

Falling, falling, falling
Forming my uniqueness in this cold

Falling, falling, falling

Melting partially due to inconsistent warmth
Changed by coming together and separating

Falling, falling, falling
Will you allow me to fall to the ground
Or would you catch me on your palm?

Gaia and Luna

Being pulled by your gravity
Perpetually orbiting you
My movement affecting your tides

You only see one side of me
The other, forever hidden
Always borrowing light from a greater source

Will be going on and on in circles
Near each other, but could never touch
You are my Earth, I am your Moon

Vodka

I raise the glass to my lips and allow the transparent liquid go down my throat. It tastes bitter but I guess what I'm feeling is worse. I try to physically distance myself from you because being right beside you would just intensify the pain of the fact that I can't have you.

I drink the vodka that our so-called friends pour into my glass to wash away my pain. They just keep on pouring drinks, oblivious to what's going on between us and what runs through our heads. You drink from your glass as well, but if for the same reason as I have, I don't know.

As the rim of the glass reach my mouth, I try to avoid your eyes. I'd rather concentrate on the warmth that the drink gives me than feel the heat of your gaze.

But glass after glass, my inhibitions are lowered and my judgment is clouded. I just found myself alone with you, away from everyone else. I'm intoxicated by both the alcohol running through my system and the nearness of you. Maybe tonight, I can trick myself and allow me to believe that you're mine even for just one night.

Again, I taste the bitterness of the vodka, but my lips no longer touch the rim of my glass, but touching your lips instead.

Amp

Amphetamines are stimulants. They keep you up at night. They let you have a certain alertness. It increases the levels of norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine. These hormones are the same ones that messes up your senses when you're in love. And I guess, that's what makes amp addictive, it gives you a feeling of euphoria.

But with every high, there is a downside. When the effects had worn out, you'll feel restless, irritable and depressed. Maybe that's what makes you long for it, so that you get rid of these ill feelings and get back the euphoric state.

As Bella is Edward's own personal brand of heroin, you are my own kind of amphetamine.

Dream and Reality

I lay beside you
your arms wrapped around me
your fingers going through the strands of my hair
your lips pressing against mine.
I feel your love enveloping me.
But then I wake up
and I am alone
you are not beside me
and it's loneliness wrapped around me
it's tears kissing my cheeks and not your lips.
I feel this bitterness enveloping me.

Knight and Damsel

You slay my dragons of despair. You get rid of the evil sorceress who takes away my happiness. You bring down the tower that life has built around me. You take down each of the brick of failures and broken hearts. My sincerest dreams are locked away in a fortress, but you are there to set them free.

I will always be your damsel in distress, eternally to be rescued. You will always be my knight in shining armor, my eternal savior.

But like Guinevere and Lancelot, we are not meant to be together. You will have a king to serve, a fellowship to protect and a kingdom to honor. I am not meant for you and my love for you banishes me to solitude.

Love and Matter

Love is like matter. It doesn't disappear, it only changes forms.

I know of a love that from solid turned into gas. As gas, you are not able to see it, but you feel it's properties. You even breath it.

I know of a love that from solid turned into liquid. You can't grasp it unlike before, but it follows the shape of what container you place it in.

I know of a love that has always been plasma. The heat coming from it is so strong, but unlike any solid, you can't have a hold on to it. The liquid of the previous one would either feign it or be its accelerant.

They say two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time? If love is like matter, does this principle apply? Maybe it does. But I believe the heart has enough space to accommodate more than one form of love.

Earthworm

An earthworm is a spineless creature. It has no backbone, thus it cannot stand for you nor stand by you. It is soft, thus would yield to pressure.

An earthworm would always be an earthworm. It will not grow a backbone. It doesn't even have an exoskeleton, a pretense that is tough even if just on the outside.

There is no point in hoping for it to be a vertebrate. It lacks a backbone and it'll stay that way.

Just Walk Away

I am at a point wherein I'd like to take one of my stilettos, hit you on the head, spell out what you're missing, then walk away.

Two Kinds of Girls

There are two types of girls—the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I’m the latter.

I just hope that you realize this soon, before I grow tired of waiting.

Blue Roses

Blue roses may be beautiful. Blue roses may amuse a lot of ladies, but still blue roses aren't real. There aren't any naturally occurring blue roses. People either had to dye roses of another color or to play with the genes of the plant in order to create blue roses.

There are white roses, red roses, yellow roses, pink roses, orange roses and even lilac roses that occur in nature, but there aren't any blue roses.

Don't give me blue roses; they're worse than paper roses for me.

Adelie Penguins

They don't have the exotic touch of the Macaroni's and Rockhopper's hairs. They lack the colorful throat patch of the King and emperor. Some even describe their appearance as comical. They walk awkwardly with their tuxedo shirt front and white ring around their eyes.

But there's one thing that makes them different, they spend their lives looking for that one other penguin, and if they found that one, they're going to be with each other for the rest of their lives. And even if they may lose each other temporarily in the hustle and bustle of swimming back to the ocean, come mating time, they'll find each other on the nest they built.

Dust-gatherer

A teddy bear is just a silent witness...

It can't hug you back when you hug it. It can't hold you when you need someone's touch the most. It can't comfort you when you're crying. It can't give explanations nor excuses about the actions of its giver. It can only stare at you blankly and remind you of your foolishness in believing on the promises that came with that bear. It just sits there, gathering dust.

Monkey Bars

You won't be able to get to the end if you won't let go of the previous bar you're holding on to. You have to let go so that you can move forward. But why are you so scared of reaching out to the next bar and letting your hand slip away from the former?

You'll be hanging there and going nowhere if you keep on insisting on holding on to that rusty, old bar whose paint had chipped away.

You should swing your body forward, hold on to the next bar and finally release the previous one.

Rollercoaster

You asked me to take a ride... I'm afraid of heights. I hesitate. You tell me it's safe, but the thought of falling is always on my mind.

But I trusted you. I believed in you. I rode. It's scary, but fun at the same time. This is something I have not done before. It's disorienting. But I thought it's worth it.

You asked me for another ride and I did took another and another. I enjoyed the moments and took note of the ups and downs, the twists and turns. But along with the moments of happiness is the feeling of being helpless. I'm strapped to a seat and my movements are limited. I'm just a passive receiver of whatever happens.

Yes, it's exciting, but I'm not sure if I can take another ride. It's nauseating...

The Door

The Door

I've closed the door
Locked it
Thrown away the key

Inside
I try to pick up the pieces
Of my shattered dreams

I'm left with mending my life

Making new plans
Learning to dream again

I hear noise
Coming from the other side
Of that closed door

You do not knock
But you make your presence known
You're outside

But the door is locked
And i can't open it for you
I've thrown the key

How long you'll wait
I do not know
I simply remain inside

If you do want to enter once more
Just find the key
Lying in oblivion

If you dare not
I'll remain inside
Until someone else finds it

Love & The Science Behind My Giving Up

"Love is a scientific reaction. It's the dopamine secreted by your brain."

Chocolates have the same effect, and I think I should stick to them instead.

"To say that you've got one soul mate in the world out of six billion people, mathematically that's setting yourself up for failure."

I'm so tired of the crazy things I did and got into. I'm tired of all the temporary highs and short-lived stints. I need someone to fill up this empty space in me. But it's just so difficult to happen since I have all these strings dangling and attached to me, and since it just so happens that most of the good men are taken and that those whom I attract just so happen to not like me enough to leave whoever they're with currently. The emptiness isn't growing, but it's hard to ignore. I need to ignore it to survive because I can't hold on to the idea that somewhere out there is someone meant just for me.

Thing Is...

Thing is I'm still in love with you. I know it had been years, but the years did not wash these feelings. Life did not erase what love I had. Life might have changed it, but it did not make me lose it.

I look for you in every relationship that I had. Even if I didn't want to, there was always a comparison that I made.

I know that we're not going back together, not now, not ever. But will I ever stop loving you? Maybe not now, maybe not ever...

Missed Chance

I think a lot of people deemed me stupid because of what I had done with regards to you. Once in a while, it crosses my mind how I did not give myself the chance to know you better before I decided with finality that you will not be special to me. When you had given up on me and I had known you more, that's when I realized that maybe you could have had a chance after all.

I did not expect that you will show me that special attention when there were a lot of other girls around you who craved for it. I got scared and I did not want any more complications because I was already entangled in many. Looking back, if I actually gave you the chance and if I had been with you, everything would have been a lot less complicated.

But sometimes you can't tell your heart whom to choose. Even if the world actually thought that I would have been better off with you. The thing is, I still chose something that I cannot fully have.

You were the first person who told me, straight to my face, that I was in love with him. You had told me time and time again to let go because I'm just putting myself in a hopeless situation. I'm sorry that I'm simply a stubborn girl who refused to listen.

I just wish that you had already forgotten that time that you felt something for me. I do not want to know that it actually pains you every time you see me cry because of him. The last thing I need right now is to know that I'd hurt you and I'm hurting you still.

Wreck

I'm impatient.
I'm too pessimistic.
I'm damn idealistic.

I fall too hard.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm in love with being in love.

I'm a sucker for romance.
I believe in fairytales and happy endings.
I just don't think they're applicable to me.

I'm as alone as a Hydrogen atom.
I'm as reactive as Francium.
I'm as negative as an Oxygen ion.

I talk a lot.
I laugh out loud.
I cry too much.

I'm utterly imperfect.
I'm a trainwreck.
I'm irreparably broken.

And the truth is I'm not looking for someone to fix me
Because I don't want to be fixed
This is me.
You either hate me or love me.