Never The One

And just like Caroline Forbes said, "I try so hard, but I'm never the one."

My loneliness is killing me...

Snow

Falling, falling, falling
Forming my uniqueness in this cold

Falling, falling, falling

Melting partially due to inconsistent warmth
Changed by coming together and separating

Falling, falling, falling
Will you allow me to fall to the ground
Or would you catch me on your palm?

Vodka

I raise the glass to my lips and allow the transparent liquid go down my throat. It tastes bitter but I guess what I'm feeling is worse. I try to physically distance myself from you because being right beside you would just intensify the pain of the fact that I can't have you.

I drink the vodka that our so-called friends pour into my glass to wash away my pain. They just keep on pouring drinks, oblivious to what's going on between us and what runs through our heads. You drink from your glass as well, but if for the same reason as I have, I don't know.

As the rim of the glass reach my mouth, I try to avoid your eyes. I'd rather concentrate on the warmth that the drink gives me than feel the heat of your gaze.

But glass after glass, my inhibitions are lowered and my judgment is clouded. I just found myself alone with you, away from everyone else. I'm intoxicated by both the alcohol running through my system and the nearness of you. Maybe tonight, I can trick myself and allow me to believe that you're mine even for just one night.

Again, I taste the bitterness of the vodka, but my lips no longer touch the rim of my glass, but touching your lips instead.

Amp

Amphetamines are stimulants. They keep you up at night. They let you have a certain alertness. It increases the levels of norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine. These hormones are the same ones that messes up your senses when you're in love. And I guess, that's what makes amp addictive, it gives you a feeling of euphoria.

But with every high, there is a downside. When the effects had worn out, you'll feel restless, irritable and depressed. Maybe that's what makes you long for it, so that you get rid of these ill feelings and get back the euphoric state.

As Bella is Edward's own personal brand of heroin, you are my own kind of amphetamine.

Dream and Reality

I lay beside you
your arms wrapped around me
your fingers going through the strands of my hair
your lips pressing against mine.
I feel your love enveloping me.
But then I wake up
and I am alone
you are not beside me
and it's loneliness wrapped around me
it's tears kissing my cheeks and not your lips.
I feel this bitterness enveloping me.

Knight and Damsel

You slay my dragons of despair. You get rid of the evil sorceress who takes away my happiness. You bring down the tower that life has built around me. You take down each of the brick of failures and broken hearts. My sincerest dreams are locked away in a fortress, but you are there to set them free.

I will always be your damsel in distress, eternally to be rescued. You will always be my knight in shining armor, my eternal savior.

But like Guinevere and Lancelot, we are not meant to be together. You will have a king to serve, a fellowship to protect and a kingdom to honor. I am not meant for you and my love for you banishes me to solitude.

Dust-gatherer

A teddy bear is just a silent witness...

It can't hug you back when you hug it. It can't hold you when you need someone's touch the most. It can't comfort you when you're crying. It can't give explanations nor excuses about the actions of its giver. It can only stare at you blankly and remind you of your foolishness in believing on the promises that came with that bear. It just sits there, gathering dust.

The Door

The Door

I've closed the door
Locked it
Thrown away the key

Inside
I try to pick up the pieces
Of my shattered dreams

I'm left with mending my life

Making new plans
Learning to dream again

I hear noise
Coming from the other side
Of that closed door

You do not knock
But you make your presence known
You're outside

But the door is locked
And i can't open it for you
I've thrown the key

How long you'll wait
I do not know
I simply remain inside

If you do want to enter once more
Just find the key
Lying in oblivion

If you dare not
I'll remain inside
Until someone else finds it

Love & The Science Behind My Giving Up

"Love is a scientific reaction. It's the dopamine secreted by your brain."

Chocolates have the same effect, and I think I should stick to them instead.

"To say that you've got one soul mate in the world out of six billion people, mathematically that's setting yourself up for failure."

I'm so tired of the crazy things I did and got into. I'm tired of all the temporary highs and short-lived stints. I need someone to fill up this empty space in me. But it's just so difficult to happen since I have all these strings dangling and attached to me, and since it just so happens that most of the good men are taken and that those whom I attract just so happen to not like me enough to leave whoever they're with currently. The emptiness isn't growing, but it's hard to ignore. I need to ignore it to survive because I can't hold on to the idea that somewhere out there is someone meant just for me.

Thing Is...

Thing is I'm still in love with you. I know it had been years, but the years did not wash these feelings. Life did not erase what love I had. Life might have changed it, but it did not make me lose it.

I look for you in every relationship that I had. Even if I didn't want to, there was always a comparison that I made.

I know that we're not going back together, not now, not ever. But will I ever stop loving you? Maybe not now, maybe not ever...