Confessions

I know that it's wrong, but it feels so right.
I know what I should do which is right, but it feels so wrong.
I hate what I am feeling right now.
I hate how I got myself trapped in a situation that's spinning out of control.
I hate how it seems to be so easy for you, when it's driving me insane.
I'm such an emotional wreck right now and I don't know how to keep it together.

Sorry Not Sorry

It seems that you have a knack at trying to compete with me, even if you don't outright declare that it is a competition. If jealousy/envy is you favorite deadly sin, please be reminded that mine is pride, hence I wouldn't dare lose. In those moments wherein all seems lost for me, I do pull up some tricks from up my sleeve and score big time.


You make everything a competition. But I am so glad that when it felt like I was going to lose last night, I scored big time! #sorrynotsorry

Words Could Make or Break Me

Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up

I had read Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages." Basically, what it's saying is there are five main love languages: Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. People use these "languages" to express their love for other people. People use a particular language more than another. And the thing is, sometimes even if someone loves you, you think he/she doesn't because you don't "speak" the same "language."

I took the test and found that my primary love language is "words of affirmation." That's no surprise. People always say I have a way with words, and yes, words have a way with me. I really don't care much about grand gestures and "display" of feelings for me, but hearing it means so much to me. I'm really sensitive about the things someone says to me. Verbal and written expressions have more bearing to me.

Here's the thing, I have this longing for appreciation, and I guess the reason why I feel unappreciated or underappreciated is because I don't hear the words that I want to hear. I guess I'm not really the reward kind of person, more of the praises one. Although, I still don't know how to take compliments...

Words could make or break me, and right now I'm not hearing enough of what could make me... or at the very least, make me get through whatever this existence is.

Never The One

And just like Caroline Forbes said, "I try so hard, but I'm never the one."

My loneliness is killing me...

Substitute People

From Little Nuances by Lee Warren:
Who hasn’t felt like a substitute person at some point? While being a substitute person does mean that you had to be close enough to the real thing to earn the title of substitute, it also means that you weren’t quite good enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough. And the worst thing about it is—you know it, but since being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, you accept the position.

The Chase

People have a tendency to want something that they cannot have or would have a hard time getting. I guess it’s about the thrill of the chase.

The only reason we still like each other is because we can’t have each other.

That Nina Song

Do you remember Nina? She's a Filipino singer. She's one of the people who made acoustic music a big thing in the Philippines.

Well, she has this song that keeps on playing on my head whenever I feel that emotion that the song is all about. It's a song about one of the seven deadly sins. That thing it's talking about, it's not my favorite sin, but because of you, lately I've been doing it. 

I don't like that feeling, and I get upset feeling that way. But you know what's more frustrating? Me getting upset and you not doing anything about it. So, I just suck it up and pretend that I don't care.

And the song goes something like this:

Jealous of the one whose arms are around you
If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one who finally found you
Made your sun and your stars collide 

That Nina song... it's called "Jealous."

Vodka

I raise the glass to my lips and allow the transparent liquid go down my throat. It tastes bitter but I guess what I'm feeling is worse. I try to physically distance myself from you because being right beside you would just intensify the pain of the fact that I can't have you.

I drink the vodka that our so-called friends pour into my glass to wash away my pain. They just keep on pouring drinks, oblivious to what's going on between us and what runs through our heads. You drink from your glass as well, but if for the same reason as I have, I don't know.

As the rim of the glass reach my mouth, I try to avoid your eyes. I'd rather concentrate on the warmth that the drink gives me than feel the heat of your gaze.

But glass after glass, my inhibitions are lowered and my judgment is clouded. I just found myself alone with you, away from everyone else. I'm intoxicated by both the alcohol running through my system and the nearness of you. Maybe tonight, I can trick myself and allow me to believe that you're mine even for just one night.

Again, I taste the bitterness of the vodka, but my lips no longer touch the rim of my glass, but touching your lips instead.

Earthworm

An earthworm is a spineless creature. It has no backbone, thus it cannot stand for you nor stand by you. It is soft, thus would yield to pressure.

An earthworm would always be an earthworm. It will not grow a backbone. It doesn't even have an exoskeleton, a pretense that is tough even if just on the outside.

There is no point in hoping for it to be a vertebrate. It lacks a backbone and it'll stay that way.

Just Walk Away

I am at a point wherein I'd like to take one of my stilettos, hit you on the head, spell out what you're missing, then walk away.

Rollercoaster

You asked me to take a ride... I'm afraid of heights. I hesitate. You tell me it's safe, but the thought of falling is always on my mind.

But I trusted you. I believed in you. I rode. It's scary, but fun at the same time. This is something I have not done before. It's disorienting. But I thought it's worth it.

You asked me for another ride and I did took another and another. I enjoyed the moments and took note of the ups and downs, the twists and turns. But along with the moments of happiness is the feeling of being helpless. I'm strapped to a seat and my movements are limited. I'm just a passive receiver of whatever happens.

Yes, it's exciting, but I'm not sure if I can take another ride. It's nauseating...

Love & The Science Behind My Giving Up

"Love is a scientific reaction. It's the dopamine secreted by your brain."

Chocolates have the same effect, and I think I should stick to them instead.

"To say that you've got one soul mate in the world out of six billion people, mathematically that's setting yourself up for failure."

I'm so tired of the crazy things I did and got into. I'm tired of all the temporary highs and short-lived stints. I need someone to fill up this empty space in me. But it's just so difficult to happen since I have all these strings dangling and attached to me, and since it just so happens that most of the good men are taken and that those whom I attract just so happen to not like me enough to leave whoever they're with currently. The emptiness isn't growing, but it's hard to ignore. I need to ignore it to survive because I can't hold on to the idea that somewhere out there is someone meant just for me.

Missed Chance

I think a lot of people deemed me stupid because of what I had done with regards to you. Once in a while, it crosses my mind how I did not give myself the chance to know you better before I decided with finality that you will not be special to me. When you had given up on me and I had known you more, that's when I realized that maybe you could have had a chance after all.

I did not expect that you will show me that special attention when there were a lot of other girls around you who craved for it. I got scared and I did not want any more complications because I was already entangled in many. Looking back, if I actually gave you the chance and if I had been with you, everything would have been a lot less complicated.

But sometimes you can't tell your heart whom to choose. Even if the world actually thought that I would have been better off with you. The thing is, I still chose something that I cannot fully have.

You were the first person who told me, straight to my face, that I was in love with him. You had told me time and time again to let go because I'm just putting myself in a hopeless situation. I'm sorry that I'm simply a stubborn girl who refused to listen.

I just wish that you had already forgotten that time that you felt something for me. I do not want to know that it actually pains you every time you see me cry because of him. The last thing I need right now is to know that I'd hurt you and I'm hurting you still.

Wreck

I'm impatient.
I'm too pessimistic.
I'm damn idealistic.

I fall too hard.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm in love with being in love.

I'm a sucker for romance.
I believe in fairytales and happy endings.
I just don't think they're applicable to me.

I'm as alone as a Hydrogen atom.
I'm as reactive as Francium.
I'm as negative as an Oxygen ion.

I talk a lot.
I laugh out loud.
I cry too much.

I'm utterly imperfect.
I'm a trainwreck.
I'm irreparably broken.

And the truth is I'm not looking for someone to fix me
Because I don't want to be fixed
This is me.
You either hate me or love me.