Confessions

I know that it's wrong, but it feels so right.
I know what I should do which is right, but it feels so wrong.
I hate what I am feeling right now.
I hate how I got myself trapped in a situation that's spinning out of control.
I hate how it seems to be so easy for you, when it's driving me insane.
I'm such an emotional wreck right now and I don't know how to keep it together.

Sorry Not Sorry

It seems that you have a knack at trying to compete with me, even if you don't outright declare that it is a competition. If jealousy/envy is you favorite deadly sin, please be reminded that mine is pride, hence I wouldn't dare lose. In those moments wherein all seems lost for me, I do pull up some tricks from up my sleeve and score big time.


You make everything a competition. But I am so glad that when it felt like I was going to lose last night, I scored big time! #sorrynotsorry

Words Could Make or Break Me

Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up

I had read Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages." Basically, what it's saying is there are five main love languages: Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. People use these "languages" to express their love for other people. People use a particular language more than another. And the thing is, sometimes even if someone loves you, you think he/she doesn't because you don't "speak" the same "language."

I took the test and found that my primary love language is "words of affirmation." That's no surprise. People always say I have a way with words, and yes, words have a way with me. I really don't care much about grand gestures and "display" of feelings for me, but hearing it means so much to me. I'm really sensitive about the things someone says to me. Verbal and written expressions have more bearing to me.

Here's the thing, I have this longing for appreciation, and I guess the reason why I feel unappreciated or underappreciated is because I don't hear the words that I want to hear. I guess I'm not really the reward kind of person, more of the praises one. Although, I still don't know how to take compliments...

Words could make or break me, and right now I'm not hearing enough of what could make me... or at the very least, make me get through whatever this existence is.

Never The One

And just like Caroline Forbes said, "I try so hard, but I'm never the one."

My loneliness is killing me...

Substitute People

From Little Nuances by Lee Warren:
Who hasn’t felt like a substitute person at some point? While being a substitute person does mean that you had to be close enough to the real thing to earn the title of substitute, it also means that you weren’t quite good enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough. And the worst thing about it is—you know it, but since being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, you accept the position.

The Chase

People have a tendency to want something that they cannot have or would have a hard time getting. I guess it’s about the thrill of the chase.

The only reason we still like each other is because we can’t have each other.

Something Different

I wish that for once you’d praise me about the way I look and not because I’m intelligent or I’m good at what I do or I’m nice. I’ve heard praises about my abilities and/or how I treat other people all my life, and sometimes I just want to be told that I’m pretty or I look good. For once, can you tell me something different?

That Nina Song

Do you remember Nina? She's a Filipino singer. She's one of the people who made acoustic music a big thing in the Philippines.

Well, she has this song that keeps on playing on my head whenever I feel that emotion that the song is all about. It's a song about one of the seven deadly sins. That thing it's talking about, it's not my favorite sin, but because of you, lately I've been doing it. 

I don't like that feeling, and I get upset feeling that way. But you know what's more frustrating? Me getting upset and you not doing anything about it. So, I just suck it up and pretend that I don't care.

And the song goes something like this:

Jealous of the one whose arms are around you
If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one who finally found you
Made your sun and your stars collide 

That Nina song... it's called "Jealous."

Snow

Falling, falling, falling
Forming my uniqueness in this cold

Falling, falling, falling

Melting partially due to inconsistent warmth
Changed by coming together and separating

Falling, falling, falling
Will you allow me to fall to the ground
Or would you catch me on your palm?

Gaia and Luna

Being pulled by your gravity
Perpetually orbiting you
My movement affecting your tides

You only see one side of me
The other, forever hidden
Always borrowing light from a greater source

Will be going on and on in circles
Near each other, but could never touch
You are my Earth, I am your Moon

Vodka

I raise the glass to my lips and allow the transparent liquid go down my throat. It tastes bitter but I guess what I'm feeling is worse. I try to physically distance myself from you because being right beside you would just intensify the pain of the fact that I can't have you.

I drink the vodka that our so-called friends pour into my glass to wash away my pain. They just keep on pouring drinks, oblivious to what's going on between us and what runs through our heads. You drink from your glass as well, but if for the same reason as I have, I don't know.

As the rim of the glass reach my mouth, I try to avoid your eyes. I'd rather concentrate on the warmth that the drink gives me than feel the heat of your gaze.

But glass after glass, my inhibitions are lowered and my judgment is clouded. I just found myself alone with you, away from everyone else. I'm intoxicated by both the alcohol running through my system and the nearness of you. Maybe tonight, I can trick myself and allow me to believe that you're mine even for just one night.

Again, I taste the bitterness of the vodka, but my lips no longer touch the rim of my glass, but touching your lips instead.

Amp

Amphetamines are stimulants. They keep you up at night. They let you have a certain alertness. It increases the levels of norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine. These hormones are the same ones that messes up your senses when you're in love. And I guess, that's what makes amp addictive, it gives you a feeling of euphoria.

But with every high, there is a downside. When the effects had worn out, you'll feel restless, irritable and depressed. Maybe that's what makes you long for it, so that you get rid of these ill feelings and get back the euphoric state.

As Bella is Edward's own personal brand of heroin, you are my own kind of amphetamine.

Dream and Reality

I lay beside you
your arms wrapped around me
your fingers going through the strands of my hair
your lips pressing against mine.
I feel your love enveloping me.
But then I wake up
and I am alone
you are not beside me
and it's loneliness wrapped around me
it's tears kissing my cheeks and not your lips.
I feel this bitterness enveloping me.

Knight and Damsel

You slay my dragons of despair. You get rid of the evil sorceress who takes away my happiness. You bring down the tower that life has built around me. You take down each of the brick of failures and broken hearts. My sincerest dreams are locked away in a fortress, but you are there to set them free.

I will always be your damsel in distress, eternally to be rescued. You will always be my knight in shining armor, my eternal savior.

But like Guinevere and Lancelot, we are not meant to be together. You will have a king to serve, a fellowship to protect and a kingdom to honor. I am not meant for you and my love for you banishes me to solitude.

Love and Matter

Love is like matter. It doesn't disappear, it only changes forms.

I know of a love that from solid turned into gas. As gas, you are not able to see it, but you feel it's properties. You even breath it.

I know of a love that from solid turned into liquid. You can't grasp it unlike before, but it follows the shape of what container you place it in.

I know of a love that has always been plasma. The heat coming from it is so strong, but unlike any solid, you can't have a hold on to it. The liquid of the previous one would either feign it or be its accelerant.

They say two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time? If love is like matter, does this principle apply? Maybe it does. But I believe the heart has enough space to accommodate more than one form of love.

Earthworm

An earthworm is a spineless creature. It has no backbone, thus it cannot stand for you nor stand by you. It is soft, thus would yield to pressure.

An earthworm would always be an earthworm. It will not grow a backbone. It doesn't even have an exoskeleton, a pretense that is tough even if just on the outside.

There is no point in hoping for it to be a vertebrate. It lacks a backbone and it'll stay that way.

Just Walk Away

I am at a point wherein I'd like to take one of my stilettos, hit you on the head, spell out what you're missing, then walk away.

Two Kinds of Girls

There are two types of girls—the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I’m the latter.

I just hope that you realize this soon, before I grow tired of waiting.

Blue Roses

Blue roses may be beautiful. Blue roses may amuse a lot of ladies, but still blue roses aren't real. There aren't any naturally occurring blue roses. People either had to dye roses of another color or to play with the genes of the plant in order to create blue roses.

There are white roses, red roses, yellow roses, pink roses, orange roses and even lilac roses that occur in nature, but there aren't any blue roses.

Don't give me blue roses; they're worse than paper roses for me.

Adelie Penguins

They don't have the exotic touch of the Macaroni's and Rockhopper's hairs. They lack the colorful throat patch of the King and emperor. Some even describe their appearance as comical. They walk awkwardly with their tuxedo shirt front and white ring around their eyes.

But there's one thing that makes them different, they spend their lives looking for that one other penguin, and if they found that one, they're going to be with each other for the rest of their lives. And even if they may lose each other temporarily in the hustle and bustle of swimming back to the ocean, come mating time, they'll find each other on the nest they built.